I am not depressed, just sad and not happy.

I want to be in my OWN house ,with my OWN life ,with MY rules.

Everyday is becomming a routine ,the same over and over again.

My emotions are becomming acting and i dont feel like Sylvia. (i honestly stopped saying "Me" when i mean "Sylvia")

I dont want to be Sylvia, My clothes, My hair, My home.....it is not mine.

I act happy to please people i care about.

I stopped caring about myself a loooong time ago.

But I've never stopped BEING myself before.

I want a "unemotional" pause.

= I dont wanna show emotions I'm not happy with how I feel and I FREAKIN HATE WHAT FEEL!

-I wanna hurt myself, Not mentally as I do 24/7 , It's physical this time....i wanna hurt myself BADLY.

I DESERVE it, I'm a BAD person, And I act oddly.

Somebody should break me, but they dont need too, i'm doing it greatly myself.

I dont know how to make people happy, so why the effing hell should i know how 2 make myself happy.

I've loved one guy, and only one.

He broke my heart by not caring, and slowly turning into all the things i hate with all my heart.

I now am in love with all my heart with a fictional character, because he can't hurt me.

I'm actually a little scared if you want to now how i feel more symbolistic, here it is :

See a girl, in a corner, cutting her mouth up so she can pretend better to smile (not joker related)

Theres burn marks on her skin saying : Stupid, self-injuring, selfish, bitch, cheap, fake and egosentric, even self-sentered.

She is wearing clothes, just a white cloth with dirt and blood.

She's sitting on drawings, torn to pieces.

In her palm there's paper cuts, on her knees there's razor cuts.

on her right there's food it hasnt been taken even the slightest bite off.

That's how i feel.

I can't draw it either because it'll look fatal.

I thousand people, yelling at me, shouting my name.

But i wanna die, in this moment, i wanna die.

No way 2 understand why i've become the way i am.

Blackfield- A Thousand People